About Plundermaxx
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Above: Corporate Headquarters, and a typical PlunderMaxx facility.
The Plundermaxx Marketing Department has developed these catchy phrases which sum up the PlunderMaxx attitude™:
We put the "Sin"
in "Business."™
We bring bad things to life ™.
Capitalism, the way Kevorkian intended. ™
In the short term, we're all rich. ™
Harvesting our National Heritage (and selling it back to you) ™.
Think you own it? Nah, we do. ™
We do chicken right. ™
Maxximize your profits ™
Just Exploit It. ™
Take it to the Maxx ™
Genetically Modifying Your Future. ™
Sit back, and relax, we've got it taken care of. ™
Mwaa hah hah hah! (oops, is this mic on?) ™
Plundermaxx. We've got the most toys. ™
Collossus Astride the World ™
How can we Plunder you today? ™
Plundermaxx is present tense. Future? What future? ™
Plundermaxx. Take it to the brink. ™
Plundermaxx. It's not a lifestyle choice. ™
Board of Directors:
Vice President Dick Chaney
Charlez Hurwitz
Antonin Scalio
Condoleeza Ryce
The Editorial Board of the Wall $treet Jernal
Kenneth Lai
Jed Bush and Cathleen Harris
Charleston Heton
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Some of our heroes:
Microsoft
Enron
Halliburton
Exxon Mobil
Archer Daniels Midland
Occidental Petroleum
Boise Cascade
Maxxam Corporation
CitiCorp
Some products to inspire:
CheezWiz ™
Round Up ™
Chocolate tooth paste ™ the best tasting toothpaste ever!
Anything with a two stroke engine (weedwhackers, jet skis)
Coal.
DDT.
The Flavr Savr Tomato ™
The interest rate.
Pavement.
The Double Whopper with cheese ™
Water Bags.
The Explorer, the Expedition, and our favorite, the Excursion™
The WTO.
Congress ™
Some of our current projects:
- Fill gigantic water bags
with water from pristine river watersheds, and ship it to growing arid, urban
areas which have already exceeded their carrying capacity. Projected project
for 2003: Obtain Water Rights to "excess" water in the Pacific Ocean.
Rent its use to the fish, sea anemones, and other organisms living there.
- Set up a nuclear waste disposal site in downtown Windsor, CA across from an
elementary school.
- Clearcut the last remaining old growth
- Increase fossil fuel consumption by lowering the average vehicle fuel emissions,
and grandfathering power plants exempt from the Clean Air Act.
- Become Collossus Astride the World ™ (see our 2002 Strategic Plan:
Foreign Policy Objectives section for details)
- Promoting Fear among the masses to make them do whatever we tell them to do.
- Expanding the divide between rich and poor through a monetary system which
systematically takes money from the poor and gives it to the rich through a
mechanism called "interest," and a tax system which taxes rich people
less, and poor people more.
- The War on Drugs ™
The History of
PlunderMaxx (abridged):
In 1961, art history student Max Wunder returned from a trip to Latin America
determined to make the world a better place for impoverished orphans in the
Third World. Wunder founded WunderKids, a philanthropic foundation committed
to helping the poorest people in the world. The foundation was very successful,
growing to $100 million by 1975, and $2 billion by 1980. In the Fall of 1980,
there was some infighting among the Board of Trustees of WunderKids. Max Wunder
had tragically passed away, when his airplane crashed one week before he was
expected to unseat the incumbent Republican Senator in his state, leaving his
children the task of managing the Foundation. In order to increase shareholder
return, their tax advisor suggested considering a merger or acquisition by a
likeminded company which shared the Foundation's commitment to social and ecological
responsibility. WunderKids initiated a corporate partnership with The Plunder
Corporation in Fall of 1981.
The Plunder Corporation (TPC) was founded by Founding Father George Herbert Walker Scalia III and a few of his genteel friends in 1686, aboard the Mayflower enroute to Plymouth Rock. For over 300 years, The Plunder Corporation profited by exploiting and extracting human and natural resources, and passing as many of its costs as possible onto taxpayers, poor people, and people of color. In the late 1800's The Plunder Corporation succeeded in avoiding the Trust-Busters and anti-trust regulations by becoming an off-shore holding company for Andrew Carnegie, John D. Rockefeller, and J.P. Morgan. By 1910, unbeknownst to most Americans, The Plunder Corporation had a presence in most industries in North America, while completely dominating others. The Plunder Corporation was synonymous with industries such as tobacco, nuclear power, military technology contracting, and industrial waste production. The Plunder Corporation became involved in early genetic engineering, and achieved a major breakthrough in 1917, when it synthesized a creature known as Milton Friedman, also known as "Friedman-stein" or "mainstream economist." After this success, The Plunder Corporation created a subsidiary which focused on cloning such economists. By the late part of the 20th century, organic economists had been nearly wiped out, as the genetically manipulated variety was more aggressive and destructive. In 1981, The Board of Directors of The Plunder Corporation was riding high from its 40th consecutive successful foray into American Presidential Electoral Politics. The Board decided to accept an invitation to a brainstorming session with the Board of Trustees of WunderKids at a retreat off the Georgia Coast in the Gulf of Mexico called Jekyll Island.
No one knows exactly what happened at Jekyll Island during that retreat, except for this: PlunderMaxx as we know it today was formed there, and since then, the world ™ has never been the same ™.